dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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