I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
