I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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