Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
