i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
