When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
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