those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
