Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
