During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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