Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
