You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
