she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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