This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
