Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Randomize
