You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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