I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
