He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
