He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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