My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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