WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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