I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
