It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
