The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
