quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Randomize
