When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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