I'm so fucking centered right now
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
