I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
