I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
