I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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