I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
