Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Houston, we have a squirter
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Liz is crying about burritos again.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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