Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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