i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
