If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
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