I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
