those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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