He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
