No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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