Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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