i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Can you bring me the toilet please
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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