I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
