Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
