i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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