I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
