just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
