We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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