Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
