Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Randomize
