Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
