i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
