I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
