Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
